Before, for months and months I struggled with Doubt and delusion. Before that Aversion and Ill Will, before that Sloth and Torpor. Before that Sense Desire (which is one that has been coupled with the Restlessness and before with the Doubt as well.) Even though each one of them ebbs and flows it's been pretty remarkable to see how for months and even years one can be so overarching, and then in a matter of a few weeks, there is some recognition of it and then lightening.
I've been slowly coming out of a doubtful period (mostly in my own abilities) which has kept me away from my sitting except for retreat and sitting with a group (for a while it's even kept me away from that). But my personal daily meditation has been pretty non-existent for the better part of a year, if not longer. Over the last few weeks though as I've been picking back up my strong desire to immerse myself more in the practice. I mistook most of my difficulty to be the remnants of Doubt, just bogging me down. But really what I didn't recognize was that the Doubt wasn't what was dominant anymore and in fact had pretty much subsided weeks ago. What was really operating was Restlessness.
When I recognized this it's still taken a few weeks to soften, but I've had a couple of good long sits since then, even if the Restlessness has kept them from being as frequent as I would like.
Just now I got up from an hour and twenty five minutes of meditation. The only movement I made was to straighten my back when I noticed that my energy had waned. I didn't set a timer and my only resolve was that I wouldn't get up until my concentration had stabilized.
I'm looking forward to sitting some more soon, and just want to convert that restless energy into Right Effort.
