Vipassanaut

Stopping

2011-06-28T13:35:00.000-04:00

There's a certain feeling of "stopping" and dropping into meditation that feels very comfortable. It's not the same as "getting in the zone" or have any bearing on the quality of the mind. I feel it almost as physical sensation of stopping or ceasing in my chest and limbs. Often my mind is still unsettled when it occurs. It's like a precursor to the mind settling. I'd even liken it to putting a car in gear before you pull out. You really aren't driving at that point, you've just put it in gear.

It has a nice comfortable feel and is reassuring to feel after not practicing a while. It's the reassurance that you may be out of practice, but you're not starting from scratch either.

Earlier in my practice it was harder to come by if it even came by at all. I think now it's like muscle memory an a conditioning of the mind. You remember how to meditate, even if you are rusty. If it's been a while since you've meditated, take refuge in that. It may be hard to get your momentum back, but your body remembers if you've got many hours on the cushion.

Lotus Bud Meditation App

2011-06-14T21:30:00.003-04:00

I just completed my first iPhone app Lotus Bud, a meditation app for iPhone on the App Store. Check it out and leave me feedback at Lotus Bud's website.

Mistrust

2010-02-04T09:42:00.000-05:00

I woke up yesterday morning with an ominous feeling and a knot in my stomach in the shape of a halfmoon under my ribcage. While I was noticing how that was feeling in the body (and how my inclination was to ignore and avoid it), I noticed I was ready to be set off by almost anything. I'd get waves of feeling as if I could burst into tears if someone said anything even slightly emotional to me.

I wondered what my dreams were like for me to just wake up in this state. I was scheduled to have the first review meeting with a new client later this morning and I knew I was a little nervous about that, but I have meetings with clients on a very regular schedule so I suspected something deeper was at work. My mindfulness weakened as it usually does while I'm absorbed with work. At some point well after the meeting (which went fine), I noticed that the knot wasn't completely gone, but had softened. My mental state was much better.

As I was riding the bus to the train station home, I began to drop back into my body and reflect on what had happened this morning and what might have been the setup, I realized several things:

The knot and the emotional sensitivity was in fact about that meeting... and more...
What was underlying it all was a fundamental mistrust of myself and my abilities
It wasn't very hard to make a connection going back years to middle school and elementary
Despite having very little evidence from recent history that I would cock things up, my body/heart still expected it
It became very clear that I was causing suffering by this mistrust
The mistrust didn't exist cognitively, it was based in the body/heart, not the thinking mind

I'm still feeling a little raw and sensitive to it, but with a completely different relationship to it. Now the strong reactions seem to be a response to the suffering I've put up with and the cumulative effect it must have had. Each time I touch into that sadness or worry, compassion rushes up to meet it. I'm curious to see how such a relatively small insight might change my orientation over time. I can't imagine that I won't be tuned in a little bit better to that sense of mistrust.

Ajahn Brahm said something to the effect that you can have the delusion that meditation is hard, or the delusion that meditation is easy, so why not choose the delusion that's more helpful. I feel like I could benefit from some similar logic with my mistrust of myself. Why mistrust, when I can trust. Which is more skillful?

Letting go of Restlessness

2009-12-10T19:58:00.003-05:00

Another of the hindrances has been rearing it's head. I've just recently realized that Restlessness has been ruling my practice.

Before, for months and months I struggled with Doubt and delusion. Before that Aversion and Ill Will, before that Sloth and Torpor. Before that Sense Desire (which is one that has been coupled with the Restlessness and before with the Doubt as well.) Even though each one of them ebbs and flows it's been pretty remarkable to see how for months and even years one can be so overarching, and then in a matter of a few weeks, there is some recognition of it and then lightening.

I've been slowly coming out of a doubtful period (mostly in my own abilities) which has kept me away from my sitting except for retreat and sitting with a group (for a while it's even kept me away from that). But my personal daily meditation has been pretty non-existent for the better part of a year, if not longer. Over the last few weeks though as I've been picking back up my strong desire to immerse myself more in the practice. I mistook most of my difficulty to be the remnants of Doubt, just bogging me down. But really what I didn't recognize was that the Doubt wasn't what was dominant anymore and in fact had pretty much subsided weeks ago. What was really operating was Restlessness.

When I recognized this it's still taken a few weeks to soften, but I've had a couple of good long sits since then, even if the Restlessness has kept them from being as frequent as I would like.

Just now I got up from an hour and twenty five minutes of meditation. The only movement I made was to straighten my back when I noticed that my energy had waned. I didn't set a timer and my only resolve was that I wouldn't get up until my concentration had stabilized.

I'm looking forward to sitting some more soon, and just want to convert that restless energy into Right Effort.

Reflections on Doubt

2009-05-28T13:57:00.002-04:00

I've been having such a hard time with the practice for the last few months. My intention to keep up with the Sattipathana practice throughout the year has completely fallen off. I haven't been even keeping a regular sitting practice other than the weekly and monthly groups I sit with. That's not to say that there hasn't been a lot of mindful investigation, but really just a lack of the formal sitting and walking practice.

Lots of doubt (in which practice to focus on, not on the results of the practice) being pervasive. It's remained as my hidden hindrance as of late.

I'm on my way to trying to correct that. There is a certain amount of angst surrounding the fact that I haven't been sitting. Disappointment in myself, etc, etc.

Tomorrow I'm leaving for a weeklong loving kindness retreat, and then going directly to a family vacation. Should allow me some time to reflect on my practice.

The loving kindness practice seems to be what I keep coming back to, although I still want to be doing straight up mindfulness practice. I can see the part of me that just sees that as the "cooler" practice, although I know loving kindness just keeps on showing itself as what I really need right now.

Reflections on the Parts of the Body

2009-03-09T13:21:00.006-04:00

[4] "Furthermore...just as if a sack with openings at both ends were full of various kinds of grain — wheat, rice, mung beans, kidney beans, sesame seeds, husked rice — and a man with good eyesight, pouring it out, were to reflect, 'This is wheat. This is rice. These are mung beans. These are kidney beans. These are sesame seeds. This is husked rice,' in the same way, monks, a monk reflects on this very body from the soles of the feet on up, from the crown of the head on down, surrounded by skin and full of various kinds of unclean things: 'In this body there are head hairs, body hairs, nails, teeth, skin, flesh, tendons, bones, bone marrow, kidneys, heart, liver, pleura, spleen, lungs, large intestines, small intestines, gorge, feces, bile, phlegm, pus, blood, sweat, fat, tears, skin-oil, saliva, mucus, fluid in the joints, urine.'

"In this way he remains focused internally on the body in & of itself, or focused externally... unsustained by anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the body in & of itself.

This is my work for about the next month or so. Essentially my job is to mentally disect the parts of the body and become familiar with the characteristics and become aware of them as distinct elements of the body as much as possible.

This serves a couple of purposes. First is just mindfulness of the body, which will help with identifying feeling tone (several weeks down the road). Separating out the parts and defining what's what builds sensitivity and subtleness of the practice, since many of these are hard to identify just by trying to set your mind to noticing something like bile. It's like someone starting out wine tasting as a hobby. At first there's a large broad sense of, this is what red tastes like, this is what white tastes like. But as the person refines their palete, then the distinctions become stronger because their senses and mind have become more sensitive.

Second, the contemplation of the body in such a analytical way helps with subduing sensual and bodily desire, simultaneous developing a certain amount of admiration for the human body and how intricate and amazing it is, and also disenchantment from the trappings and attachment and identification to it. This is especially the case with the supposition that seems to come so naturally, that somehow body is self.

Clear Comprehending / Fear

2009-02-18T21:29:00.004-05:00

And now for the next few weeks my instructions:

[3] "Furthermore, when going forward & returning, he makes himself fully alert; when looking toward & looking away... when bending & extending his limbs... when carrying his outer cloak, his upper robe & his bowl... when eating, drinking, chewing, & savoring... when urinating & defecating... when walking, standing, sitting, falling asleep, waking up, talking, & remaining silent, he makes himself fully alert.

"In this way he remains focused internally on the body in & of itself, or focused externally... unsustained by anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the body in & of itself.

I'll be continuing mindfulness of the body during my formal sitting practice. During day as per the instructions, I'll make an effort to be aware of what I'm doing as I'm doing it.Just a note about my sitting from yesterday morning. Now that it's been a little easier for me to get on the cushion lately I noticed something. I've been aware that doubt in my abilities has been clouding my practice, but I didn't realize to what extent. I saw a lot of doubt the other morning and at the root of it, I saw fear. This doesn't really come as a surprise that the fear expresses itself as doubt, but what was surprising is how pervasive it was. I took the morning train ride to write down just a list of all the things I was afraid of right now, and that are generally on my mind. I wrote several pages with just one line per fear. I really had no idea that I was afraid of so many things happening. Of course, when they come up I'm aware of it, and then it passes, but I hadn't seen them all together like that. It was astonishing. And of course, as is the nature of fear, it was all about the future, not what was going on in the present moment.

Mindfulness of the Postures

2009-01-31T11:29:00.005-05:00

[2] "Furthermore, when walking, the monk discerns that he is walking. When standing, he discerns that he is standing. When sitting, he discerns that he is sitting. When lying down, he discerns that he is lying down. Or however his body is disposed, that is how he discerns it.

"In this way he remains focused internally on the body in & of itself, or focused externally... unsustained by anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the body in & of itself.

Now onto mindfulness of the postures. This started about a week ago already. I'll be alternating between doing sitting, walking and standing meditation for my formal practice. During the day I'll try to drop into my body and notice my postures, especially during the transitions between the postures.

I've been meeting with Love Park Meditation Group on Saturday mornings to do walking meditation. I've really enjoyed an excuse to practice walking meditation more. It's not something I've really an emphasis on, and normally wouldn't engage in it unless I'm on retreat.

I find it especially difficult, with respect to papancha (proliferation of thought). I think this is mostly due to the fact that walking around the city is normally "thinking time" for me.

Satipatthana Sutta

2009-01-02T12:01:00.008-05:00

This is the full text of the Satipatthana Sutta from Access to Insight translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu:

I have heard that on one occasion the Blessed One was staying in the Kuru country. Now there is a town of the Kurus called Kammasadhamma. There the Blessed One addressed the monks, "Monks."

"Lord," the monks replied.

The Blessed One said this: "This is the direct path for the purification of beings, for the overcoming of sorrow & lamentation, for the disappearance of pain & distress, for the attainment of the right method, & for the realization of Unbinding — in other words, the four frames of reference. Which four?

"There is the case where a monk remains focused on the body in & of itself — ardent, alert, & mindful — putting aside greed & distress with reference to the world. He remains focused on feelings... mind... mental qualities in & of themselves — ardent, alert, & mindful — putting aside greed & distress with reference to the world.

A. Body
"And how does a monk remain focused on the body in & of itself?

[1] "There is the case where a monk — having gone to the wilderness, to the shade of a tree, or to an empty building — sits down folding his legs crosswise, holding his body erect and setting mindfulness to the fore [lit: the front of the chest]. Always mindful, he breathes in; mindful he breathes out.

"Breathing in long, he discerns that he is breathing in long; or breathing out long, he discerns that he is breathing out long. Or breathing in short, he discerns that he is breathing in short; or breathing out short, he discerns that he is breathing out short. He trains himself to breathe in sensitive to the entire body and to breathe out sensitive to the entire body. He trains himself to breathe in calming bodily fabrication and to breathe out calming bodily fabrication. Just as a skilled turner or his apprentice, when making a long turn, discerns that he is making a long turn, or when making a short turn discerns that he is making a short turn; in the same way the monk, when breathing in long, discerns that he is breathing in long; or breathing out short, he discerns that he is breathing out short... He trains himself to breathe in calming bodily fabrication, and to breathe out calming bodily fabrication.

"In this way he remains focused internally on the body in & of itself, or externally on the body in & of itself, or both internally & externally on the body in & of itself. Or he remains focused on the phenomenon of origination with regard to the body, on the phenomenon of passing away with regard to the body, or on the phenomenon of origination & passing away with regard to the body. Or his mindfulness that 'There is a body' is maintained to the extent of knowledge & remembrance. And he remains independent, unsustained by (not clinging to) anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the body in & of itself.

[2] "Furthermore, when walking, the monk discerns that he is walking. When standing, he discerns that he is standing. When sitting, he discerns that he is sitting. When lying down, he discerns that he is lying down. Or however his body is disposed, that is how he discerns it.

"In this way he remains focused internally on the body in & of itself, or focused externally... unsustained by anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the body in & of itself.

[3] "Furthermore, when going forward & returning, he makes himself fully alert; when looking toward & looking away... when bending & extending his limbs... when carrying his outer cloak, his upper robe & his bowl... when eating, drinking, chewing, & savoring... when urinating & defecating... when walking, standing, sitting, falling asleep, waking up, talking, & remaining silent, he makes himself fully alert.

"In this way he remains focused internally on the body in & of itself, or focused externally... unsustained by anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the body in & of itself.

[4] "Furthermore...just as if a sack with openings at both ends were full of various kinds of grain — wheat, rice, mung beans, kidney beans, sesame seeds, husked rice — and a man with good eyesight, pouring it out, were to reflect, 'This is wheat. This is rice. These are mung beans. These are kidney beans. These are sesame seeds. This is husked rice,' in the same way, monks, a monk reflects on this very body from the soles of the feet on up, from the crown of the head on down, surrounded by skin and full of various kinds of unclean things: 'In this body there are head hairs, body hairs, nails, teeth, skin, flesh, tendons, bones, bone marrow, kidneys, heart, liver, pleura, spleen, lungs, large intestines, small intestines, gorge, feces, bile, phlegm, pus, blood, sweat, fat, tears, skin-oil, saliva, mucus, fluid in the joints, urine.'

"In this way he remains focused internally on the body in & of itself, or focused externally... unsustained by anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the body in & of itself.

[5] "Furthermore...just as a skilled butcher or his apprentice, having killed a cow, would sit at a crossroads cutting it up into pieces, the monk contemplates this very body — however it stands, however it is disposed — in terms of properties: 'In this body there is the earth property, the liquid property, the fire property, & the wind property.'

"In this way he remains focused internally on the body in & of itself, or focused externally... unsustained by anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the body in & of itself.

[6] "Furthermore, as if he were to see a corpse cast away in a charnel ground — one day, two days, three days dead — bloated, livid, & festering, he applies it to this very body, 'This body, too: Such is its nature, such is its future, such its unavoidable fate'...

"Or again, as if he were to see a corpse cast away in a charnel ground, picked at by crows, vultures, & hawks, by dogs, hyenas, & various other creatures... a skeleton smeared with flesh & blood, connected with tendons... a fleshless skeleton smeared with blood, connected with tendons... a skeleton without flesh or blood, connected with tendons... bones detached from their tendons, scattered in all directions — here a hand bone, there a foot bone, here a shin bone, there a thigh bone, here a hip bone, there a back bone, here a rib, there a breast bone, here a shoulder bone, there a neck bone, here a jaw bone, there a tooth, here a skull... the bones whitened, somewhat like the color of shells... piled up, more than a year old... decomposed into a powder: He applies it to this very body, 'This body, too: Such is its nature, such is its future, such its unavoidable fate.'

"In this way he remains focused internally on the body in & of itself, or externally on the body in & of itself, or both internally & externally on the body in & of itself. Or he remains focused on the phenomenon of origination with regard to the body, on the phenomenon of passing away with regard to the body, or on the phenomenon of origination & passing away with regard to the body. Or his mindfulness that 'There is a body' is maintained to the extent of knowledge & remembrance. And he remains independent, unsustained by (not clinging to) anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the body in & of itself.

B. Feelings
"And how does a monk remain focused on feelings in & of themselves? There is the case where a monk, when feeling a painful feeling, discerns that he is feeling a painful feeling. When feeling a pleasant feeling, he discerns that he is feeling a pleasant feeling. When feeling a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, he discerns that he is feeling a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling.

"When feeling a painful feeling of the flesh, he discerns that he is feeling a painful feeling of the flesh. When feeling a painful feeling not of the flesh, he discerns that he is feeling a painful feeling not of the flesh. When feeling a pleasant feeling of the flesh, he discerns that he is feeling a pleasant feeling of the flesh. When feeling a pleasant feeling not of the flesh, he discerns that he is feeling a pleasant feeling not of the flesh. When feeling a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling of the flesh, he discerns that he is feeling a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling of the flesh. When feeling a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling not of the flesh, he discerns that he is feeling a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling not of the flesh.

"In this way he remains focused internally on feelings in & of themselves, or externally on feelings in & of themselves, or both internally & externally on feelings in & of themselves. Or he remains focused on the phenomenon of origination with regard to feelings, on the phenomenon of passing away with regard to feelings, or on the phenomenon of origination & passing away with regard to feelings. Or his mindfulness that 'There are feelings' is maintained to the extent of knowledge & remembrance. And he remains independent, unsustained by (not clinging to) anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on feelings in & of themselves.

C. Mind
"And how does a monk remain focused on the mind in & of itself? There is the case where a monk, when the mind has passion, discerns that the mind has passion. When the mind is without passion, he discerns that the mind is without passion. When the mind has aversion, he discerns that the mind has aversion. When the mind is without aversion, he discerns that the mind is without aversion. When the mind has delusion, he discerns that the mind has delusion. When the mind is without delusion, he discerns that the mind is without delusion.

"When the mind is constricted, he discerns that the mind is constricted. When the mind is scattered, he discerns that the mind is scattered. When the mind is enlarged, he discerns that the mind is enlarged. When the mind is not enlarged, he discerns that the mind is not enlarged. When the mind is surpassed, he discerns that the mind is surpassed. When the mind is unsurpassed, he discerns that the mind is unsurpassed. When the mind is concentrated, he discerns that the mind is concentrated. When the mind is not concentrated, he discerns that the mind is not concentrated. When the mind is released, he discerns that the mind is released. When the mind is not released, he discerns that the mind is not released.

"In this way he remains focused internally on the mind in & of itself, or externally on the mind in & of itself, or both internally & externally on the mind in & of itself. Or he remains focused on the phenomenon of origination with regard to the mind, on the phenomenon of passing away with regard to the mind, or on the phenomenon of origination & passing away with regard to the mind. Or his mindfulness that 'There is a mind' is maintained to the extent of knowledge & remembrance. And he remains independent, unsustained by (not clinging to) anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the mind in & of itself.

D. Mental Qualities
"And how does a monk remain focused on mental qualities in & of themselves?

[1] "There is the case where a monk remains focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the five hindrances. And how does a monk remain focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the five hindrances? There is the case where, there being sensual desire present within, a monk discerns that 'There is sensual desire present within me.' Or, there being no sensual desire present within, he discerns that 'There is no sensual desire present within me.' He discerns how there is the arising of unarisen sensual desire. And he discerns how there is the abandoning of sensual desire once it has arisen. And he discerns how there is no future arising of sensual desire that has been abandoned. (The same formula is repeated for the remaining hindrances: ill will, sloth & drowsiness, restlessness & anxiety, and uncertainty.)

"In this way he remains focused internally on mental qualities in & of themselves, or externally on mental qualities in & of themselves, or both internally & externally on mental qualities in & of themselves. Or he remains focused on the phenomenon of origination with regard to mental qualities, on the phenomenon of passing away with regard to mental qualities, or on the phenomenon of origination & passing away with regard to mental qualities. Or his mindfulness that 'There are mental qualities' is maintained to the extent of knowledge & remembrance. And he remains independent, unsustained by (not clinging to) anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the five hindrances.

[2] "Furthermore, the monk remains focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the five clinging-aggregates. And how does he remain focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the five clinging-aggregates? There is the case where a monk [discerns]: 'Such is form, such its origination, such its disappearance. Such is feeling... Such is perception... Such are fabrications... Such is consciousness, such its origination, such its disappearance.'

"In this way he remains focused internally on the mental qualities in & of themselves, or focused externally... unsustained by anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the five clinging-aggregates.

[3] "Furthermore, the monk remains focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the sixfold internal & external sense media. And how does he remain focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the sixfold internal & external sense media? There is the case where he discerns the eye, he discerns forms, he discerns the fetter that arises dependent on both. He discerns how there is the arising of an unarisen fetter. And he discerns how there is the abandoning of a fetter once it has arisen. And he discerns how there is no future arising of a fetter that has been abandoned. (The same formula is repeated for the remaining sense media: ear, nose, tongue, body, & intellect.)

"In this way he remains focused internally on the mental qualities in & of themselves, or focused externally... unsustained by anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the sixfold internal & external sense media.

[4] "Furthermore, the monk remains focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the seven factors for Awakening. And how does he remain focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the seven factors for Awakening? There is the case where, there being mindfulness as a factor for Awakening present within, he discerns that 'Mindfulness as a factor for Awakening is present within me.' Or, there being no mindfulness as a factor for Awakening present within, he discerns that 'Mindfulness as a factor for Awakening is not present within me.' He discerns how there is the arising of unarisen mindfulness as a factor for Awakening. And he discerns how there is the culmination of the development of mindfulness as a factor for Awakening once it has arisen. (The same formula is repeated for the remaining factors for Awakening: analysis of qualities, persistence, rapture, serenity, concentration, & equanimity.)

"In this way he remains focused internally on mental qualities in & of themselves, or externally... unsustained by (not clinging to) anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the seven factors for Awakening.

[5] "Furthermore, the monk remains focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the four noble truths. And how does he remain focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the four noble truths? There is the case where he discerns, as it has come to be, that 'This is stress.' He discerns, as it has come to be, that 'This is the origination of stress.' He discerns, as it has come to be, that 'This is the cessation of stress.' He discerns, as it has come to be, that 'This is the way leading to the cessation of stress.' 1

"In this way he remains focused internally on mental qualities in & of themselves, or externally on mental qualities in & of themselves, or both internally & externally on mental qualities in & of themselves. Or he remains focused on the phenomenon of origination with regard to mental qualities, on the phenomenon of passing away with regard to mental qualities, or on the phenomenon of origination & passing away with regard to mental qualities. Or his mindfulness that 'There are mental qualities' is maintained to the extent of knowledge & remembrance. And he remains independent, unsustained by (not clinging to) anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on mental qualities in & of themselves with reference to the four noble truths...

E. Conclusion
"Now, if anyone would develop these four frames of reference in this way for seven years, one of two fruits can be expected for him: either gnosis right here & now, or — if there be any remnant of clinging/sustenance — non-return.

"Let alone seven years. If anyone would develop these four frames of reference in this way for six years... five... four... three... two years... one year... seven months... six months... five... four... three... two months... one month... half a month, one of two fruits can be expected for him: either gnosis right here & now, or — if there be any remnant of clinging/sustenance — non-return.

"Let alone half a month. If anyone would develop these four frames of reference in this way for seven days, one of two fruits can be expected for him: either gnosis right here & now, or — if there be any remnant of clinging/sustenance — non-return.

"'This is the direct path for the purification of beings, for the overcoming of sorrow & lamentation, for the disappearance of pain & distress, for the attainment of the right method, & for the realization of Unbinding — in other words, the four frames of reference.' Thus was it said, and in reference to this was it said."

That is what the Blessed One said. Gratified, the monks delighted in the Blessed One's words.

These are the primary instructions that the Buddha gave for mindfulness meditation. I'm using this and a greatly detailed book, Satipatthana: The Direct Path to Realization commenting on this sutta, as by guidebook for the year. I'm starting off spending, from now until the 24th of January primarily focusing on the breath, although, I will be doing a little lovingkindness at the end of my sittings.

New Years

2008-12-31T18:50:00.003-05:00

It's New Years again and time to look back and see how things went. The first seven or eight months seemed to go pretty well for my practice. I stuck to the meditation everyday... Then I think I got cocky.

The meditation seemed to be going well and it didn't seem too difficult to keep up with. So then I got lax and became lazy.

Once the chain was broken things seemed pretty hard to get back on track.

A few months ago I started integrating loving-kindness practice (lkp) to my daily sitting. I had a few rough weeks and then started putting the pieces together that it had to do with my lkp practice. I started out focusing on myself being the recipient of the lkp because in the past I've often focused on lk for everyone else except me. I generating love for myself stirred up some unresolved feelings.

I've been dealing with the fallout from that for quite a while. It's been making it hard for me to practice lately. Huge amounts of aversion have overtaken me and kept me off the cushion. There are things lurking in the corners that I know I'll need to deal with sooner or later.

That's probably a huge series of posts that I can delve into later.

So what's in store for my practice this year? Well I'm renewing my intention to sit every day. I'm bringing a little more structure into it this year.

I'm working with the Satipatthana Sutta, which are the very detailed instructions on Vipassana meditation. It consists of four main parts with several variations within each. Mindfulness of the Body, Mindfulness of Feeling Tone, Mindfulness of Mind and Mindfulness of Dhammas. I'm dividing up the year to focus on specific instructions within the sutta.

I think this will help me sustain the practice throughout the year because I'll have specific things to work on at specific times. It'll be easier to pick up if things get off the rails.

I'll be trying to keep up with this as well too, because posting here seemed to hold me accountable and created a positive feedback loop.

May all beings be free of suffering in the new year!

Breaking the Naming Convention

2008-08-03T23:13:00.003-04:00

Its been four months since my last post. It's amazing how difficult it gets to come back after that long.

I don't remember how many days into this it is any more. My keeping up with the posting kind of fell off when I got to be confident about how steady my practice was. It's been a wonderful experience to continue making an effort towards a daily practice.

There have been a very small number of days that I missed. Missed might be the wrong word, because they were skipped out of pure laziness. The good news though is that my determination to practice every day didn't go off the rails just because I missed a sitting. In the past when I've tried to establish a daily practice, all it would take was one day and that'd be it. Thankfully the opposite has been true. The few times that I've skipped have been the exception. I've made a special effort not to beat myself up about it. I just reaffirm my intention to make this as regular as brushing my teeth.

A lot has happened since my last post. I went on a retreat in early May out in California. I went to go sit with Gil Fronsdal (you can hear many of his talks at http://www.audiodharma.org ). As a special bonus Andrea Fella (who also has some great talks at audio dharma as well) was the other teacher for the retreat. A week was really too short. I'd love to be able to do a month long or longer at some point, but thats not really doable, right now, being a salaried employee.

I'm doing two talks this week for Philadelphia Insight on "Effort". We're also planning a camping retreat in October, which I'm totally jazzed about.

I'm going to make an effort to post here more regularly. I think its good to take some time to reflect on my sittings, even if it does feel like I'm posting the same thing day after day.

Drop by drop...

Day 095 [ 01d, 18h, 57m; 095 consecutive days ]

2008-04-04T09:07:00.001-04:00

I've been sitting in the mornings again the last couple days. Much easier and a nice way to start the day. I had a bit of a rough patch last week, just hard to feel motivated and felt sort of frustrated with my practice.

Day 090 [ 01d, 19h, 03m; 090 consecutive days ] Three months

2008-03-31T13:48:00.002-04:00

After tonight's sitting, it will have been three months of sitting every day. I've been pretty faithful about sitting, but have been just hovering at the bare minimum mark. Which sitting every day is nothing to sneeze at and very beneficial, I could be getting a lot more out of this with some more effort. I've been thinking about introducing some pretty heavy exercise and sleep dependencies as well, which will make it more difficult, but I have a feeling they might bring more energy to my practice. I need to keep reminding myself that my meditation practice deserves to be at the forefront of the things I need to do and is a priority. Not a priority because I'm supposed to be sitting every day, but a priority because its been so good for me and I deserve to give it a chance to do me even more good. And quite honestly, there's nothing but laziness on my part keeping me from it.

Day 070 [ 01d, 10h 43m; 070 consecutive days ]

2008-03-11T00:36:00.002-04:00

Day seventy. Gave my second talk in my series of seven, had a couple new people tonight too. It feels like we're growing a bit even though we don't have tons of people coming each night. I feel like pretty soon we're going to hit critical mass and just have a lot of people on a regular basis.

I've been so busy with planning and giving my talks and beginning volunteer training that meditation time is definitely being looked to for sanctuary.

Day 066 [ 01d, 09h, 02m; 066 consectutive days ]

2008-03-06T21:17:00.002-05:00

Not much to report, just want to get back on the ball about doing regular updates here. Felt like I've been only doing this once a week now that I seem in the clear in terms of keeping this thing going.

Last night was my first of seven dharma talks at the meditation group. I think it went pretty well, I picked a relatively boring subject and a pretty hard teaching to start with. I wanted to make a little bit of a challenge for myself. Now the six remaining should be a lot easier and more enjoyable for people to listen to. Just have to get ready for Mondays talk now.

Day 064 [ 01d, 08h, 17m; 064 consecutive days ]

2008-03-05T00:12:00.001-05:00

Not much to report, still just trailing along at the minimmum every day. Where did I get the time and energy to do hour sittings sometimes twice a day? It's definitely fallen into a routine, which is not a bad thing, since there's at least regularity.

Tomorrow night I begin doing the dharma talks for the month while Doug is away on a long retreat. Not too nervous about it. I've done it enough times now that I know what to expect, how much an hour of talking really takes and whatnot.

Day 061 [ 01d, 07h, 17m; 061 consecutive days ] Two Months!

2008-03-01T13:03:00.001-05:00

Just passed the two month mark! I never thought I'd last this long without skipping a day. I think at this point it'll be cake, as long as I'm not lax because of overconfidence.

Today also marks the end of my vegan fast. I took the month of February to try and abstain from dairy. I was craving cheese and ice cream almost constantly. I didn't feel any better (was hoping to find out if I had a dairy allergy) and despite being diligent about taking vitams and trying to eat balanced I felt more tired and run down. Which may be a coincidence. So back to ovo-lacto vegetario for moi!

Day 053 [ 01d, 04h, 37m; 053 consecutive days ]

2008-02-22T11:04:00.002-05:00

Fifty-three days so far, so busy but been keeping it up, even when I'm sick. I think thats one the advantages of a regular practice. You don't just do it when you're feeling good or you have the time. You're doing it day in and day out, whether things are going well or not and that gives you a great variety of experiences with your meditation. When you can see that you have the ability to sit through, even when the hindrances (sensual desire, ill will, sloth & torpor, restlessness and agitation (or worry) and doubt) are really strong, they have much less of a hold on you. And its much easier to sit.

Day 046 [ 00d, 23h, 52m; 046 consecutive days ] Taking refuge, taking retreat.

2008-02-15T09:24:00.001-05:00

Getting close to twenty-four hours worth of meditation. It's pretty amazing to think that its taken me a month and a half to log that many hours of meditation, but on a meditation retreate, you would have done that much in about a day and a half.

It would take approximately three hundred days of sitting for twenty minutes to get in as many hours a day as a ten day meditation retreat.

Thats also assuming you're comparing apples to apples. There's definitely not the shelter sitting in everyday practice like there is on retreat. The mind has time to quiet down and be more "pure" just for the fact that you don't have so much day to day input. It's pretty amazing what a difference there is. There's quite a bit of that just from day to day practice, but its just on a completely different scale while on silent retreat. I can't wait until may.

Day 041 [ 00d, 21h, 07m; 041 consecutive days]

2008-02-10T22:26:00.000-05:00

Still at it. I've been mostly only doing my minimum because I've been waiting until the end of the day. I will say though that my last few sittings have had a little more clarity of mind, just for a few moments. The cumulative benefit of sitting every day seems to be creeping in at the edges. Being sick the other week seemed to slow my momentum in terms of minutes on the cushion, and I'd like to ramp that back up again. That simply means I need to get up early again and sit in the morning when I don't have other things pulling my attention away until I need to go to bed.

Day 037 [ 00d, 19h, 47m; 037 consecutive days ]

2008-02-06T23:37:00.001-05:00

Still hangin' in there. I've been just skating by on twenty minutes a day. It's been difficult to muster up more time than that without making myself sleep deprived.

I did my talk tonight on meditation. I think it went pretty well. I think better than the last two times I've done the dharma talk. I'll be an old pro after doing seven talks in March.

Day 033 [ 00d, 18h, 12m; 033 consecutive days ]

2008-02-02T22:30:00.000-05:00

Been waiting until last minute again over the weekend, just doing minimum twenty minutes.

Day 031 [ 00d, 17h, 32m; 031 consecutive days ]

2008-01-31T20:46:00.000-05:00

So, here it is. Day 31! This marks the last day of the first month. I feel a bit of relief, its been a rough week to keep up with this. When you've only for three cylinders but try to run on four after being sick its hard to sit down and spend twenty minutes and focus. When in truth all you really want to do is sleep. I feel pretty accomplished already by not skipping any sittings even though I was sick, and I get to round out the first month.

I'm one twelfth of the way and have 334 days left to go. When I started this, I didn't really think that I'd make it this far without missing. I think the biggest contributor to my success is making sure I'm getting a decent amount of sleep. It's to meditate when you're really tired, but its even harder sit down to even start when you're tired. I think the second contributor to making it happen, is just this, keeping track. Well, here's to the next month. Should be a piece, it's only twenty-nine days.

Day 030 [ 00d, 17h, 12m; 030 consecutive days ]

2008-01-30T23:23:00.001-05:00

Sat for a very short bit on the train and then Dharma Punx tonight. Next week is my talk. It's been a while since I've done one, I'm a bit nervous.

Day 029 [ 00d, 16h, 42m; 029 consecutive days ]

2008-01-29T22:20:00.000-05:00

I've continued sitting despite being sick. Tonight I definitely felt my body was a lot healthier and it was much easier to sit. Despite lots of "monkey mind" but still had a fair amount of concentration.

Day 027 [ 00d, 16h, 02m; 027 consecutive days ]

2008-01-27T21:50:00.000-05:00

Still sick again. It was hard to focus. I decided to try metta (lovingkindness) practice, to give me a little more to focus on, other than how weird my body feels when I'm sick. It gives quite a bit of confidence for the coming year that I can sit when I'm sick. It was just mostly getting past the mental block that I wouldn't be able to. The sitting with it is no worse than just being sick, and I can't change that now.

Day 026 [ 00d, 15h, 42m; 026 consecutive days ]

2008-01-26T21:42:00.001-05:00

Being that I've been sick since yesterday morning and feeling quite awful, I'm pretty proud that I still sat today. I was tempted to just say, oh I'm sick, I don't need to sit. But I decided I didn't want to skip. I know how hard it is to pick back up after you lose your momentum. And I really didn't want to break my running streak. I feel like the first month is almost done, and I'm so close.

I clearly didn't have a very focused sitting, but I stuck with it. It gave me an opportunity to take a look at my aversion to how my body is feeling. Your body feels very rubbery and distorted when you're achey.

Here's hoping that tomorrow I'll feel better.

Day 025 [ 00d, 15h, 12m; 025 consecutive days ]

2008-01-25T11:24:00.001-05:00

Sat this morning for half an hour because I slept in an hour this morning.

Day 024 [ 00d, 14h, 42m; 024 consecutive days ]

2008-01-24T06:40:00.001-05:00

Last night was the usually sitting group and this morning mindfulness of the body. I was very distracted and wandered off quite frequently. I think its due to sleepiness. Getting up at five the last few days has been easy enough, just been tough getting to sleep when I should.

Day 023 [ 00d, 13h, 32m; 023 consecutive days ]

2008-01-23T06:17:00.000-05:00

Sat for only half an hour due to roommate living logistics with showering and whatnot. Dharma Punx tonight.

Day 022 [ 00d, 13h, 2m; 022 consecutive days ] : part II

2008-01-22T19:12:00.001-05:00

I sat again after work for about twenty minutes. Thats about an hour and ten or an hour and fifteen minutes a day for the last couple of days.

I feel invigorated for the time being. During all my free time, when I'm not working or with someone, all my thoughts seem to be turned towards my practice. I've felt pretty productive at work the last couple of days and finally feel like I've gotten to a place where I'm challenged with my meditation. Up until now the challenge was just making myself sit, not the sitting itself.

Day 022 [ 00d, 12h, 42m; 022 consecutive days ]

2008-01-22T06:32:00.001-05:00

Continued with the mindfulness of the body meditation.

Day 021 [ 00d, 11h, 48m; 021 consecutive days ] Part 2

2008-01-21T20:28:00.001-05:00

I sat again tonight for a little over fifty minutes. I did mindfulness of the body instead of mindfulness of the breath I've been doing mostly up until now. It's what I was taught while on retreat. This is probably going to become my main focus for the time being. I wanted to work up to because the way I prefer to do it is fairly slow. That way it requires quite a bit of concentration and mindfulness. I was worried that I'd notice very little sensation, other than where there were places of gross contact or pain. The first few times I did this I could barely notice anything at all, other than the least subtle sensations. Its a bit of a relief that the previous work didn't completely dissapate. I still have trouble distinguishing toes and fingers from the entire bunch.

Day 021 [ 00d, 10, 57m; 021 consecutive days ]

2008-01-21T06:24:00.001-05:00

Supposedly if you do something for twenty-one days in a row, it becomes habit. I don't think I'm there yet, even though I've put in the time. I tried to sit this morning for forty-two minutes, thirty minutes is all I managed. Last night I sat for twenty. Although I did well on Saturday with sitting first thing, yesterday I put it off until the end. Of course this meant I only did the minimum. I'm looking forward to rounding out the rest of the first month.

Day 019 [ 00d, 10h, 07m; 019 consecutive days ]

2008-01-19T08:19:00.000-05:00

Nothing to report, got up early to avoid the difficulty I had last week end by meditating before bed. Now Saturday is done with. I sat for forty minutes, which only felt like twenty. I think in the future, getting up early on the weekend might allow me to take a longer sitting, since I usually don't need to rush.

Day 018 [ 00d, 09h, 27m; 018 consecutive days ]

2008-01-18T07:10:00.000-05:00

I sat for only about twenty-three minutes this morning. Getting up at six doesn't give me quite enough time to sit for thirty minutes plus without rushing. I should start getting up earlier.

Day 017 [ 00d, 09h, 04m; 017 consecutive days ]

2008-01-17T22:57:00.000-05:00

I was a little lazy yesterday, I only sat during Dharma Punx. Tonight I sat for thirty-six minutes though. Very turbulent at first, I settled down after a while and felt relatively focused.

I started looking at what retreat I want to do this summer. There's one in Los Altos that I want to do with a meditation instructor I think very highly of. I'm sending off my application materials tomorrow.

Day 015 [ 00d, 08h, 08m; 015 consecutive days ]

2008-01-15T23:52:00.000-05:00

Sat for just twenty minutes tonight again. I was busy geting wrapped
up in playing with new toys.

Day 014 [ 00d, 07h, 48m; 014 consecutive days ]

2008-01-14T22:49:00.000-05:00

The end of week two. I forgot to post to the journal since I sat late last night, so my running streak is still running strong. I only sat for about twenty minutes though last night. Tonight, I sat for thirty-one minutes.

Day 012 [ 00d, 06h, 57m; 012 consecutive days]

2008-01-12T23:54:00.000-05:00

I sat for half an hour right before bed. I had the opportunity to sit in the morning and didn't take it. Late on Saturday night is not exactly when I wanted to be sitting. Hey, but at least I didn't fall off the wagon.

Day 011 [ 00d, 06h, 27m; 011 consecutive days ]

2008-01-11T07:16:00.001-05:00

Sat after waking up, slept in a few minutes giving myself just barely enough time.

Day 010 [ 00d, 05h, 59m : 010 consecutive days ]

2008-01-11T00:12:00.001-05:00

Wasted time again in the morning and didn't sit. So i ended up sitting when I got home.

Day 009 [ 00d, 05h, 24m; 009 consecutive days ] : achoo!

2008-01-09T08:43:00.000-05:00

Got up this morning and sat for about twenty-seven minutes. I was thinking about a sneeze for about a minute before I actually sneezed. I don't know whether my fixation on sneezing caused the sneeze, or something tipped me off that I was going to sneeze before or I consciously knew I was going to sneeze, or it was just a coincidence. Its pretty common for me to sneeze during a morning sitting. But it's still a very interesting sensation. It builds into a very intense sensation just inside my nose, then it explodes and there's a shower of tingling sensation that goes very quickly from the top of my head and down over my entire body, as if someone were pouring tickling water on top of my head and it splashes down.

Day 008 [ 00d, 04h, 57m ; 008 consecutive days ]

2008-01-08T23:08:00.000-05:00

Going to the Won temple was very nice. It was a very large group of people compared to Dharma Punx. Even though it was moral formal, it did end in a rendition of "Moon River." Everyone I met was very warm and welcoming. I felt very comfortable. It started off with some chanting, then some sitting meditation, dharma talk, a little more meditation and then the serenade.

Day 008 [ 00h, 04h, 22m; 008 consecutive days ]

2008-01-08T09:35:00.001-05:00

Woke up in time to sit this morning, but dilly-dallied all morning, so I didn't sit until I got on the train. I stayed up pretty late last night and its pretty clear that makes it harder to stay focused enough to sit down and not waste my time in the morning.

I'll be going to the Won Buddhist temple tonight to sit with my friend Lucas. I've never been to a proper temple before, so I'm looking forward to it.

Day 007 [ 00d, 03h, 45m; 007 consecutive days ]

2008-01-07T06:09:00.001-05:00

Well, I've just rounded out my first week of consistent sitting meditation. I'm up to 26 minute sitting. It's really been much easier to sit without getting antsy about when to get up. I think that must have happened after my retreat. Sitting ten hours in a day for ten days breaks you in I guess. It's like a comfortable pair of shoes you can walk two blocks or two miles in.

I'm pretty surprised that I've been able to sit everyday without missing one or flaking out. I'll just keep focusing on "one day at a time."

Day 006 [ 00d, 03h, 19m; 006 consecutive days ]

2008-01-06T21:54:00.001-05:00

Tonight I sat for only twenty minutes and after I had eaten a very full meal. I didn't sit in the morning because I'd had a late night last night and felt pretty tired this morning. I had the opportunity to sit this afternoon, but was feeling too lazy and tired. So it was even more of a struggle to make myself sit after a very full meal and already feeling like I wanted to be in bed around eight. Once I started I was fine though, just a little trouble getting my ass on the cushion.

Day 005 [ 00d, 02h, 59m; 005 consecutive day ] : The Weekend

2008-01-05T10:20:00.001-05:00

I sat for 25 minutes this morning when I got up.

Day 004 [ 00d, 02h, 34m; 004 consecutive day ] : Easier

2008-01-04T07:23:00.001-05:00

Today was much easier to get up and get going, despite a little laziness. My concentration was decent. Had the burning throat again, but not as intense.

Day 003 [ 00d, 02h, 10m; 003 consecutive day ] : Part 2

2008-01-04T00:04:00.001-05:00

I couldn't sleep tonight, so I decided to try and sit before bed. I sat for twenty-two minutes. Concentration was lacking and I had the really intense warmth in my throat that I periodically have while sitting. About half way through the sitting it cleared. What an odd place to hold tension.

Day 003 [ 00d, 01h, 47m ; 003 consecutive days ] : Sleepy

2008-01-03T10:17:00.001-05:00

I sat on the train this morning, didn't get up early like I intended, mostly because I was up playing with creating the blog and Facebook.

I plan on sitting again after work, train sitting doesn't count completely.

Day 002 [ 00d , 01h, 17m ; 002 consecutive day ] : Dharma Punx

2008-01-02T23:20:00.000-05:00

Day 002 [ 00d , 01h, 17m ; 002 consecutive day ]

32 minutes on the train this morning.

25 minutes at Dharma Punx

Day 001 [ 00d , 00h, 20m ; 001 consecutive day ] : The Year is Oh-Eight!

2008-01-01T22:37:00.000-05:00

The year is oh-eight! Hail seitan chicken!

Today starts my new years resolution of daily practice of meditation.

I meditated for 20 minutes before bed. This is the first consecutive day.

I've been meditating for about three years on a very regular basis and I am taking the opportunity of the new year as way to crank up my practice. I usually shy away from making resolutions. I think they tend to cause people to overextend themselves for a very short amount of time and lead to self-improvement burn-out.

I'm taking exception this year because I feel like the benefits I've reaped from having a very regular practice can only be enhanced by a stronger determination to make it part of my daily routine. Plus I'm close enough as it is. I sit about five days a week, even if it's only for my morning ride on the train.

I have a year to elaborate, so I'll get down to the nitty-gritty. Here are the rules:

1. I must sit at minimum twenty minutes every day, no exceptions!

2. I will sleep twenty minutes less if necessary.

3. I will make a concerted effort to gradually work up to an hour long sitting.(Adding one minute per day)

4. If possible and I have the inclination, I will work on two sittings per day (one long, one short)

5. There is really no good excuse for not sitting for a minimum of twenty minutes.

6. If I miss a day, I will make my best effort to return to my schedule as quickly as possible.

7. If I miss a day or more, I will not berate myself; and will make my best effort to keep disappointment from disrupting my practice further.

8. I will do my best to track my efforts. (if I don't post, it doesn't mean I've fallen off the wagon)

9. I will do my best to keep myself honest about my efforts. If I miss a day, or don't put in the minimum amount, I will be upfront about the results.

10. The most important part is the effort. The total number of hours sitting in meditation or the number of consecutive days is not as important as the sustained, long term effort I'm committing to.

Wish me luck!