Clear Comprehending / Fear

And now for the next few weeks my instructions:

[3] "Furthermore, when going forward & returning, he makes himself fully alert; when looking toward & looking away... when bending & extending his limbs... when carrying his outer cloak, his upper robe & his bowl... when eating, drinking, chewing, & savoring... when urinating & defecating... when walking, standing, sitting, falling asleep, waking up, talking, & remaining silent, he makes himself fully alert.

"In this way he remains focused internally on the body in & of itself, or focused externally... unsustained by anything in the world. This is how a monk remains focused on the body in & of itself.

I'll be continuing mindfulness of the body during my formal sitting practice. During day as per the instructions, I'll make an effort to be aware of what I'm doing as I'm doing it.Just a note about my sitting from yesterday morning. Now that it's been a little easier for me to get on the cushion lately I noticed something. I've been aware that doubt in my abilities has been clouding my practice, but I didn't realize to what extent. I saw a lot of doubt the other morning and at the root of it, I saw fear. This doesn't really come as a surprise that the fear expresses itself as doubt, but what was surprising is how pervasive it was. I took the morning train ride to write down just a list of all the things I was afraid of right now, and that are generally on my mind. I wrote several pages with just one line per fear. I really had no idea that I was afraid of so many things happening. Of course, when they come up I'm aware of it, and then it passes, but I hadn't seen them all together like that. It was astonishing. And of course, as is the nature of fear, it was all about the future, not what was going on in the present moment.